. . . R i n D u . . .

. . . . i M i s s . . . .

havin someone to miss call like 100 times a day n then sulk coz he said i'm crazy....

havin someone to giggle about to my girlfwenz....

havin someone to think about every second of the day....

havin someone to 'report' every single thing i did during the day.....

lookin forward to weekends to spend time wif....

But mostly...rindu sangat nak ada someone to rindu..

. . w H y . .

why?? why has it been so hard to forget the past?? to forget every single thing that had happened?? to forget all the worse things he did to me..let alone all the sweet moments we shared together...d moments tat i'll cherish forever...urghhh...m hatiing myself for writing n admitting to this..but i just cant handle it...

i hate him..yet i miss him....so much........urghhhh!!!!!! y am i feeling like thissss???!!!!! i cant stand the misery..d loneliness....n when i'm alone somehow all the memories suddenly appear in front of me..makin me even more depressed of the thots "what if i didnt say tat..or wat if i didnt say tat i didnt want to be his guarantor?...and wat wud it be if i'm still wif him until now....sigh...m so sad rite now...n d fact dat i'm seeing all my fwenz getting engaged...getting into new relationships...some of em r even furthering into d 'more serious' stage of their lovelife....n sume pun nak dtg cite kat aku.....huargh....hukuman apekah ini??? karma kahhh????? sedih bangat sih.....

(cat..........jgnla mcm ni......u're feeling THIS depressed juz cuz u dont have anyone YET....trust in GOD, He'll give u someone SUITABLE when the RIGHT time comes, dear....plzzz hang in there!!!!!!!)

. . . . . . . H e L p M e . . . . . . . .

mcm mane ek...

. . . L O N E L Y . . .

The LetteR

To : My Hubby-To-Be

Dear Bee..
When will i be meeting you?
I miss you so much..
And i am so tired of waiting..
Bila lah Tuhan mo jumpakan kita? (haha..i am so used to Sabahan accent now bee..cant help it..there's juz too much of Sabahan influence in my office!)

Sayang dah penat..penat sgt..
Syg baru je kenal 3 guys, tapi terasa mcm dh kenal beribu-ribu jenis manusia...
mula2 dgn Aban...had to dating kat gerai...and siap kena kemas gerai (and all of my fwenz said "katy..ko KEMAS GERAI??"

Then there's Kamarul..a 34-yr ol lad..so successful yet so MELAYU (he hardly even s[eaks English..but he claims he's the director of 4 companies..apekah??!) oh, and one more thing..he's also so so desperately single..duhh.. and not to mention his BOSSI-NESS (imagine..ada ka pi Starbuck - which is a first time for me - end up i had to be the one to go n order n then i xtau nak order..n plus the gurl at d counter didnt even bother to ask wheter i wanted the small, medium or large..she just straight away gave me the LARGEST; hence the money given by that guy is not nuff n i had to go back to his table and get some more money..and everybody yg tgh queue up was like glaring at me.....urghh!!!!) nevertheless..ya la..its a no doubt that all money changes n balance goes straight in my handbag..but still there's just NO chemistry AT ALL!!

And lastly, there's this MANIPULATIVE SELF-CENTRED HOMOSAPIEN!!!!!!!
he's totally n definitely the WORSSTTTTTTT of allll....
Lost damn lot to him...in what terms? urgh..bia lah..xmo cerita bahh...

So Bee..when can i finally get to meet you??
In this world or after?
Sedihla Bee..walaupun terlalu payah untuk melupakan kenangan with Wan..
There's just too much chemistry between us..
But there's also too much pain that i had to go thru....

I know that somehow there's a reason for everything...
Maybe God wanted me to be MORE ALERT with guys..
Dont and NEVER trust them EASILY..
Tapi the worst of all...
I just cant brush away this one feeling inside of me...
The feeling of LONELINESS..

Though i'm happy that I no longer need to peningkan my head to think bout Wan's manipulative and SICK mind..but deep down inside i'm still a normal girl..lonely as ever..

SIGH...

Yours Truly,

Your Darling-To-Be

the end..

too many things had happened in my life..esp relating to my love life..which is now gone...

yup..he broke it up last nite...and not a single moment was i regretfull or whatso eva..

i dont know y i wanted him to be the one who decides..mayb mainly coz i dont wanna be d one 2 b blamed..coz i know that if I were the one who made the decision, after the broke up..sumhow along the way, i WILL miss him n i WILL call or at least msg him...

so when he said the 'putus' word..then if he ever comes back, i can straight away say it to his face tat he was the one who decided..(childish, huh? biarlah....)

tapi kan..come to think of it..he DID broke it up by putting ALL the BLAME on ME..( ada ka broke up cuz i xnak jadi d guarantor to his car's loan..and also put the blame on me since i xnak tlg dia, so if he doesnt get the job in Kementerian Sukan (which requires him to have a car)..then its my fault..hmm..apekah la...u're d one yg x dpt d job nak blame org lain pulak..kecoh betul laa...)

but before last nite..so many things had happen between us..so many frustration, sadness...tapi.... the sweet memories can never be replaced either...

as much as i hate all the things tat he had done...i just cant deny the chemistry tat was there...we loved cats..and ribenas (yeah..yeah.. i know it sounded stupid to just fall in love wif someone that has JUST these 2 things in common!!)

and what saddens me the most is when i think "why is he doing all these nonsense? cuz if you love someone, you wont be doing all those crap things to the person u love and cared most...

is it true that i'm the only one that he has? how sure am i that he's not treating his ex-gf like how he has treated me??(they are EX according to him la kan..kalau he's still in a 'hanging' rship wif em i xtaula kan..)

there's just too many unsure things about him..yeah, sure he took care of me..but then he was never REALLY there when i needed him the most...sure he was there when i had the biggest fight with my mom..and he was also there when i was ready to move out of the house (of course..he only SAID that he'll find a house for me...but those just stayed as WORDS, never were put into action... ) y cant he be sincere and kind like how he had helped me throughout the worst experience i had with the robbers?? why cant he sacrifice like how he sacrificed when i was in Bali? siap bagi extra money and called me EVERY SINGLE day while i was in Bali..siap top upkan lagi...WHYYYY????

and if its wasnt for my dearest fwen...i wouldnt have notice the manipulative and deceptive mind of him...all the lies and threats...gosh..only God knows how hard it had been for me...thanks so much yang (u know who you are..)...thank you so much for all the time you sacrificed in listening to my mourns..my haywire moods (esp when i was in Laos eh? managing 60 soldiers is nothing..i even got left behind at the waterfalls eh??haha! still, they were great and werent too much too handle..its the memories, smell of after-shaves and faces tat resembles him tat i couldnt handle..)

its been so, so hard...but at the least i still have ITAM (my cuddly, wobbly and cheeky cat!!)..my FAMILY (who will love me no matter what; even after the BIGGEST fight - yelling, crying n all!!)..and lastly my everlasting CIRCLE OF FWENZ (who has always been on the lookout for me..)

Thanks so much for your guidance, guys..wouldnt have made it without everybody's help!!!

and lastly, THANK YOU GOD for showing me the greatest lesson in life through this testing..it may be so painful that i wont be able to forget it at all...at least not in nearest time...but i've become a new person...someone who will always be on alert...dont trust ppl THAT EASILY..and i now realize who truly loves me and who r the ones who'll just be around when THEY NEED YOU, but were never there when u needed them the most...

. . . T H A N K Y O U . . .